We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
