just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
