i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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