i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
