I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
