I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
