You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
