I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
