Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
