her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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