Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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