just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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