she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
