you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
