The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
