I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
