That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
