We're facebook friends in real life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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