Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.