Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
