Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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