once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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