Your face is a jimmy john
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
