Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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