This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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