If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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