maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
