first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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