you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
