my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she told me i tasted like america
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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