My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
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I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize