how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
