i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
