Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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