he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
