I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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