my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
