nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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