I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
And then he peed in my hair
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