my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
