You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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