and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
