Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
