i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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