I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
