Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
