right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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