she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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