Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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