whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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