Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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