my mouth tastes like poor choices
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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