My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
