there's paper in my vomit.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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