A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We had to coat check the pizza.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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