hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
