I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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